There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
