my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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