My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
