i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
two words...techno handjob
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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