It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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