You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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