Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
