I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
