If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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