i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
