I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
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