I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
