she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize