I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think i got beer on your cat.
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