If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
