I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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