he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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