oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
