Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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