gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
