next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
