Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
