Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
