you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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