Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
