I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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