my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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