i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
