He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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