so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
