I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
