when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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