weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
