now i know why i became what i already was.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
