my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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