Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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