Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
