i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it's like iHOP with fire
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
