you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
