I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just want to make out with him forever
not ubering you a puppy
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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