What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
