M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
