I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
