you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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