New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
