Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
