someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
