Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize