Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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