I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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