Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Life is so much better after having sex.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
