I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This show inspires me to have sex in space
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
