So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
