someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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