We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
