dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
