This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
