ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
